How Do I Be More Assertive? Stand Your Ground Without Stepping on Toes

Aidan
May 12
4 min read

Updated: Aug 29

One of the issues that causes stress for so many people is people-pleasing and struggling with the question that results from this: “How do I be more assertive?”

You might say yes, but you want to say no. You keep the peace, resentment building as you smile through gritted teeth. Bending to the whims of others, always giving and never asking, until you break. You know what to do: “just be assertive.” You might even know people in your life who have this enviable talent, but you don’t want to rock the boat lest it capsize.

Maybe the thought (or the actuality) of the eventual outburst from months or even years of holding back fills you with dread or guilt. The full, unblemished expression of your feelings, too much and too late. But there is a way to stand your ground without stepping on anyone’s toes, being truly and genuinely assertive.

Training in assertiveness has been shown to reduce stress, anxiety, and depression while increasing self-confidence in a range of populations, from students to healthcare professionals (e.g., RCT in Cairo college students - effect size d ≈ 0.45 for stress; nurses in Taiwan showing sustained stress reduction)

An outline of two people talking, underneath which the definition of the phrase "Stand one's ground" is written. This is followed by a quote from Albert Ellis "Being assertive does not mean attacking or ignoring others feelings. It means that you are willing to hold for yourself fairly - without attacking others."

Assertiveness Without the Aggression

It’s important to realise that assertiveness is not aggression. Assertiveness is giving yourself the same rights that you afford to others, and in doing so, gifting others the rights that you may reserve for yourself.

Take the time to understand the way that respecting the rights of yourself and others affects your behaviour in the moment. Consider the ways that your behaviour would change if both of those lists were harmonious and identical, with neither one impinging on the rights of the other.

Standing Tall is Respectful

For those of us who have played the role of the fixer or the peacekeeper in life, it can be easy to think that saying no or having a conflicting opinion makes you difficult. Assertiveness can then be a difficult skill to use, as we often characterise it as a stubborn or headstrong approach to dealing with situations.

The reality is nowhere near this. True assertiveness is being able to try to get what you want while respecting the rights of both yourself and others. This requires flexibility and compassion, which is much more likely to earn you the respect of others compared to the limp agreement to everything and everyone that can result from a lack of assertiveness.

How Do I Start Being Assertive?

Developing your assertiveness is a gradual process that often requires courage. Facing the expected fear of consequence can be scary, so remember to start small and be kind to yourself.

Use a Standard Model for Assertion

Asserting yourself can be a stressful experience, especially as you dip your toes in the water for the first time. Planning the situation out ahead of time can be useful to ensure that you perform your best. Using the three-step assertiveness format can help:

Describe the objective facts of the situation.
Acknowledge the other person’s viewpoint with earnestness.
Assert your own viewpoint, and finally, propose a solution, ideally suggesting the first step to take.

Practice Small Acts of Assertion

Small acts may seem insignificant or unrelated, but they are an all-important cornerstone for developing assertiveness. Choose low-risk situations that allow you to assert clear rights, such as consumer settings.

Make a complaint about a low-quality item of clothing that you bought and make your case for a refund.
Return a steak at a restaurant for being undercooked.

Use your imagination and personal circumstances to find opportunities to practice in everyday situations.

Use “I” Statements

Start to rephrase the way you speak, both in situations requiring your active assertiveness and more generally. Stating things as “I think that…” or “I feel that…” not only communicates your subjective opinion without casting judgment on others but also lets people in by sharing your thoughts.

Start small with both positive and negative statements:

“I like the way that flower looks.”
“I think that TV presenter is terrible.”

Lean Into Discomfort

Developing your assertiveness can feel difficult. It might feel like you’re being selfish or bullying. Remind yourself that change is almost always a difficult process, and that it is very difficult to be selfish or bullying if you’re respecting your own and others’ rights in the situation, especially if you’ve taken the time to ensure that those rights are identical and do not impinge on each other.

Be Kind to Yourself

It can be easy to judge yourself harshly as you practice these exercises, either from not achieving what you set out to do or from labelling yourself as mean for having asserted yourself. Remember to treat yourself kindly, you're trying to grow as a person.

Your Permission to Stand Tall

You are allowed to have wants and needs and have them be communicated.

You are allowed to take up space as a human being.

You are allowed to express how you feel without that hurting someone else.

You are allowed to be assertive.

You are allowed to exist.

Is That All?

This is just a starting point. Assertiveness as a skill can be applied to so many varied situations that if you’re struggling to complete these exercises, or if you find that your situation needs more than these generic skills, you may find it useful to book a session with me. Together, we can work through your exact situation or focus on any aspects that you might be finding difficult.